Cooties (2014)

PLEASE DON’T FEED THE CHILDREN

🎬

Starring: Elijah Wood, Rainn Wilson, Alison Pill, Jack McBrayer, Leigh Whannell & Nasim Pedrad

Director: Jonathan Milott, Cary Murnion

Written by: Leigh Whannell, Ian Brennan, Josh C. Waller

Released: January 18, 2014

Box office: $581,080

Distributed: Lionsgate Premiere

When I first heard of this film and saw Elijah Wood starred in it, I immediately thought of The Faculty. Interestingly, he has two similar films, each from a different subgenre. Well about 6 years later, I didn’t know that a real-life viral horror was on the way… nor did I know that I’d be a teacher to young kids myself when it all happened. Go figure lol. 

Remember being in a global pandemic where a singular virus took over the existence of humanity? Let’s ponder on that thought…for about 3 years shall we? Oh COVID-19…what a time in history. Luckily for us, we didn’t have prepubescent children running out of blood, trying to disembowel us, and using our intestines as a jump rope.

Unfortunately, the teachers living in Fort Chicken, Illinois can’t say the same. They’ll have to stay cooped up if they don’t want to be clucked up

Cooties (2014) - Lionsgate

The opening credits made me contemplate if I ever want to eat chicken or meat again…I’ve been toying with going plant-based for some time, but this may have sealed the deal. Seeing the process of producing chicken nuggets from start to finish was unsettling enough with all those cut parts, glossy chicken eyeballs, flies, and fleshy hues, but then to have a contaminated nugget chewed on by the girl student as the discolored goo oozed out from it 🤢 YUCK!… The Lord alone knows what is in those formulas.

The yuck factor carried on into the look of the zombies being all pimply and sickly, leaning into the look that kids have when they contract the flu or virus. I’m surprised the movie didn’t include a projectile vomit moment. I like that it was a different take to the typical zombie makeup we’ve seen from the sub-genre, while still adding the blood where needed.

The ponytail snatch that exposed the girl’s scalp was gnarly, the cheek bite looked (and felt) painful, and Doug’s willingness to get his hands dirty with blackened 💩 and brain matter 🧠 was just gross. I loved that the different limbs of the slain teachers were used to resemble real games that kids typically play: the intestine jump rope, eyeball marbles, a finger in the bike spokes, jumping in a blood puddle, and a head used as a swing ball.

This movie is so hilarious! With such stacked comedic talent I’d expect no less. As we enter the staff room, we meet our ensemble of teachers. All with their quirks and traits, which over time got more funnier as they had to run from the zombie children and escape the school. Each actor delivers laugh-out-loud jokes every scene, and can milk the joke out of each line they’re given without it feeling forced or landing flat. Most of them have been a part of an ensemble cast on other popular comedy TV shows, so it worked in their favor. I’m pretty sure they did some improvised lines to pepper up the dialogue. The movie is strongest when they are a unit and much like faculty members, can achieve more when they work together. I wish I could say that there was a singular actor/character that stood out but they were all so great at what they had to deliver, I can’t choose. Although, Nasim Pedrad’s Rebekkah is close to the top spot. Even minor characters like Rick, the stoner van guy, and Mr. Hatachi, the janitor were great and felt like necessary additions within the third act.

Cooties (2014) - Lionsgate

I appreciated the heartfelt moments too and was surprised that this movie made me emotionally invested in the teacher’s survival. Some scenes between the comedy and horror had deeper meaning and emotion, which helped the movie breathe in areas and more substance to many of the teachers. By the end I wanted none of them to perish, so when Wade took one for the team and sacrificed himself…I felt the loss.

With this being set at an elementary school, there weren’t that many set pieces to play around with, but the ones featured served as an opportunity for some cool shots. We got the playground, the hallway, and the vent scenes which were the standouts for the more scary parts, but that was pretty much it. The rest was just some room to be locked in temporarily until they ran to the next room and hid. I would have liked to see how the teachers would have handled the situation if they’d split up for a scene or two before they eventually got together again in one room. Those would be some funny scenes.

This movie would have probably been more popular had it come out now on a streaming platform. It’s a fun popcorn film to watch over the weekend in the comfort of your home and could even be enjoyed with a large group that appreciates a good laugh and some filthy humour. I also think fellow teachers would enjoy this film, especially if you teach younger kids. 

I give this film 4 out of 5 diseased chickens 🐔🦠

Are you a fan of comedy-horror? Would you survive a playground massacre? Share your thoughts and comments below